Have you ever dreamed of doing something and then talked yourself out of it for whatever reason?

I have. I do, all of the time.

Sometimes it’s for the best (I really do not need another tattoo), and sometimes it’s for practical reasons (I am not willing to go into debt for a doctorate when I have no idea what to do with it).

Sometimes, it’s for absolutely ridiculous reasons, and that’s what I am going to write about today.

In my twenties, I wanted to be a copy editor.

I wanted to write my novel at night, but during the day be the one who helps other writers turn in their best work. I would proofread with a critical eye, catching all mistakes, and make recommendations that would be accepted and celebrated.

It was going to be amazing.

Then I saw the movie Never Been Kissed and crumpled up that copy editing dream and tossed it over my shoulder to be forgotten forever.

Or for about twenty years.

In the movie, Drew Barrymore plays a young copy editor for the Chicago Sun-Times and she knows (at least to me) grammar backwards and forwards. Stuff happens, and she writes a great piece for the paper at the end. Okay, there’s a lot more than that, but my focus was (and is) about how perfect her grammar knowledge was as a copy editor and how, when I considered my poor grammar grades in college, I decided I wasn’t good enough so why bother trying.

I became, in various forms, an administrative assistant for the next twenty plus years and it has only occurred to me recently how often I was consulted on grammar and writing questions – as if my knowledge was good enough.

How about that?

When I took a grammar and copyediting course in grad school, I knew I would do badly and guess what happened. I got an A-. Which is not bad at all, but I have spent the last year telling myself it wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t a perfect A.

Hello, Perfectionism, my old enemy. It’s in the name, I should have recognized it and yet…

Perfectionism and Fear of Failure are besties, and they have stood in the way of many of my dreams over the years. Or, make things more stressful than they should be. For example, I’ve written and rewritten this post several times not because of normal editing, but because “it wasn’t good enough.” In other words, it wasn’t “perfect.” Rubbish.

The idea that I need to be perfect is so wacky I shouldn’t even be typing the words. I don’t dress perfectly, I don’t keep the perfect house, and my cooking is definitely not perfect. I don’t know what it is, or where it comes from, that makes trying feel like I’m standing on a highwire and there’s no safety net.

Of course there’s a safety net.

It’s called suck it up buttercup.

I’m sure we’ve all heard a variation of “he who makes no mistakes makes no progress” said by Theodore Roosevelt, but hearing the words and believing them are two totally different things.

I’m terrified of heights, but each year on vacation I would climb up to the top of an incredibly tall lighthouse just because I was tired of letting that fear keep me on the ground. It never got easier, but the feeling of accomplishment fed my soul. I actually looked forward to doing it again the following year, even though I knew my legs would be jelly and my taller half would get an embarrassing picture of me holding onto the railing like a lifeline. Love those pictures…not.

But I did it.

So why haven’t I tried to be a copy editor, or a proofreader?

Because I don’t believe I am qualified for it.

Because I do not have a perfect understanding of every aspect of grammar like Drew Barrymore’s character did in the movie.

In reality, I just don’t have the professional experience to grab the big bucks.

So what am I going to do about it? Wait another twenty years and then whine about missed opportunities as I’m collecting social security?

No, I don’t think so.

I’m going to find out exactly what it’s like to be a copy editor, not just from books that discuss the job, but from someone who does it for a living. There are newspapers and magazines in my area, so I’m going to see if I can talk to someone who has taken the chance. I’m also going to look on some job sites for writers to find some gig work and see if I really do like it. Who knows? I could have a few jobs under my belt and realize it’s not for me.

Or it could be my dream job that I made a reality.

I won’t know until I kick perfectionism out of the way and just try.